


Horizon Line

by yellowcottondresses



Category: Nashville (TV)
Genre: Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-02 16:52:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5256092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowcottondresses/pseuds/yellowcottondresses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what grief looks like: it eats you alive. And all that's left is the WHY. Takes place after 4x07, "Can't Get Used To Losing You". Layla/Jeff</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: As of now, this is set to be a 5-parter. Goes off-canon after the events of 4x07 “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”.
> 
> I don’t own Nashville.

I.  
This  
Is what  
Grief  
Looks like  
When  
It’s  
Fresh  
And  
Raw  
As the  
Heart  
Ripped out  
Of your  
Chest:

You’re  
Walking  
Down a  
Long  
Dark  
Hallway  
There must  
Be  
Another end  
Somewhere  
But  
You can’t  
See it  
So  
You just  
Keep  
Walking

The  
Darkness  
Ahead  
Looks  
Like  
It  
Goes  
On  
Forever

For a while  
You just  
Focus  
On  
Putting  
One foot  
In front  
Of  
The other  
Putting  
Everything  
Else  
Out  
Of your  
Mind

You’re  
Underwater  
With  
Your  
Eyes  
Wide  
Open  
Sounds  
Colors  
Images  
All  
Distorted  
Nothing  
Registers  
You don’t  
Feel  
Attached  
To your  
Body

Somewhere  
You can see  
Lights  
Motions  
The world  
Going on  
Somewhere  
Close  
But  
None  
Of It  
Reaches  
You

You just  
Float  
Beneath  
It all  
Chest aching  
Head spinning  
Feet unable  
To touch  
The ground

You’re in  
A dream  
The kind  
That feels  
Just enough  
Like the  
Real world  
To  
Make sense  
To  
Your mind  
But  
With  
Slight  
Differences  
People’s faces  
Are foreign  
Their words  
Don’t make  
Sense

You try  
To respond  
But  
They can’t  
Understand  
You  
Anymore  
Than you  
Understand  
Them

When you jolt  
Awake  
You can  
Still  
Feel  
Your heart  
Pounding  
Wondering  
What it was  
They were  
Trying  
To tell  
You  
And  
Why  
It was  
So  
Important

For a while  
You can  
Do  
Anything

Because  
Until  
You feel  
The impact  
You’re just  
Hovering  
In the  
Atmosphere

Straddling  
The horizon line  
Of  
Who you were  
Versus  
Who you will  
Now be

Then

It’s  
Just  
Like  
A  
Freefall

 

 

II.

When she  
Came back  
From  
Atlanta  
All  
She did  
Was  
Sleep

Buried  
Under covers  
That didn’t  
Smell  
Like him  
In a bed  
They shared  
Where  
He’d branded  
Her  
With  
His  
Lips  
His  
Hands  
His  
Teeth  
Eyes  
Tongue  
Heat

And  
She  
Slept

After  
Luke’s tribute  
She crawled  
Under the sheets  
And  
Stayed there  
For  
Four  
Days

Rayna  
Comes by  
To check  
On her 

Makes her  
Eat  
Makes her  
Shower  
Makes her  
Change clothes  
And  
Brushes  
The sides  
of her head  
With  
Cool  
Steady  
Hands

The tenderness  
Makes  
Layla  
Cry  
Until  
She  
Can’t  
See

Rayna says:  
_“Call me  
Anytime  
Sweetheart  
Day  
Or  
Night  
Whatever  
You  
Need  
I’ll be  
Praying  
For you.”_

As the car  
Pulls out  
Of the  
Driveway  
Layla thinks

Prayer  
Is for  
People  
Who still  
Have  
Hope

 

 

III.

Jade St. John  
Calls her  
One week  
After  
Atlanta:

_“Forget  
The stupid Twitter fight  
Forget  
Getting kicked off the tour  
Forget  
Anything that happened  
It’s in  
The past.”_

Voicemail

It cuts  
Jade off  
Halfway  
Through  
Her message  
So  
She calls  
Again  
And leaves  
Another  
One

Full of  
_“I’m sorry”  
“If you ever want to talk”  
“If you need anything”  
“I still can’t believe it  
I mean  
The news  
Said  
He –”_

(Jade doesn’t  
Say  
The Word)

(Nobody  
Says  
The Word)

_“I don’t know  
How close  
You two  
Were  
But  
I loved Jeff  
Once  
And  
I miss him  
I tried  
Calling  
His family  
To get  
Details  
For the  
Funeral –” ___

__(‘Funeral’  
Shreds  
Layla  
Insides  
To ribbons  
In ways  
She thought  
No words  
Had the  
Power  
To do  
After  
_“I’m gay”_ )_ _

_“But  
They won’t  
Answer me  
If you know  
Anything  
Please  
Call me  
I still can’t  
Believe –”_

__End  
Of  
Voicemail _ _

__Layla  
Deletes  
Both messages  
And  
Throws  
Her phone  
Against  
The wall _ _

__She’ll need  
To change  
Her number. _ _

__

__

__IV._ _

__How  
Is it  
Possible_ _

__The least-weird  
Part  
Of  
Her life  
Is  
The person  
She leans on  
The most  
Is  
Her gay ex-husband?_ _

__She figures  
It’s best  
Not to  
Overthink  
It_ _

__There’s  
Enough  
Going on  
Inside her  
Head  
That could  
Leave her  
Banging it  
Against  
The walls  
For  
Hours  
Searching  
For  
Answers  
And  
Never  
Finding  
Them_ _

__But  
He’s still  
Here  
He’s still  
Reaching out  
He’s still  
Her friend _ _

__Maybe  
The best one  
She’s ever had_ _

__(The only one  
She’s ever had  
If  
She’s being  
Honest) _ _

__He checks in  
With her  
Every day_ _

__Texts her  
All the time_ _

__Unpacks  
The rest  
Of the boxes_ _

__Stops by  
Unannounced  
To see  
If she’s  
Stayed in bed  
If she’s  
Not showering  
If she’s  
Wearing dirty clothes  
If she’s  
Not eating_ _

__Sometimes  
She asks him  
To stay_ _

__He does_ _

__He tells her  
_To write  
Music  
Has worked  
Before_ __

__Writing  
Used to  
Help _ _

__But  
Now  
All her  
Songs  
Sound  
Like  
Shadows  
Leaping from  
Tall buildings  
Blood  
Spattered  
On sidewalks  
Bones  
Shattered  
Against pavement  
Mouths  
Wide open  
In  
Silent  
Screams_ _

__She can’t  
Catch  
A break  
And  
Wakes up  
Crying_ _

__Will  
Pokes his head  
In her room  
Asks  
If she’s  
Okay_ _

__She yells  
At him  
So  
He gets her  
A glass  
Of water  
Like she’s five_ _

__She can’t stop  
Crying  
But  
Drinks it  
Anyway_ _

__At least  
He doesn’t  
Tell her  
To forget Jeff  
And move on  
Or  
She’ll feel  
Better  
Someday_ _

__He just  
Gives her  
Tissues_ _

__She has  
No idea  
Where  
Her life  
Would be  
Without  
Will_ _

__But  
She wouldn’t  
Be  
In the place  
She’s in  
Now _ _

__And  
That’s not  
Always  
A bad thing. _ _

__

__

__V._ _

__She wakes up  
4 AM  
And  
Wonders  
What time  
He died_ _

__She can’t  
Remember  
What time  
She went  
To sleep  
That Night  
Or what time  
The cops  
Woke her  
That Morning_ _

_“Just wake me up –”_  
Her last words

__What  
Day  
Did  
He  
Die?_ _

__Was it  
Thursday  
Night?_ _

__How soon  
After  
She left  
Luke’s party?_ _

__Or_ _

__Did he  
Make it  
To see  
The early hours  
Of  
Friday?_ _

_“Sometimes  
People  
Mask  
Depression  
With  
False  
Hope.”_

__The police  
Didn’t  
Care  
What  
She had  
To say  
About  
Jeff:_ _

__He was  
The only person  
To see  
Her true self_ _

__The only person  
To believe  
In her talent_ _

__The only person  
That loved  
The real  
Layla Grant_ _

__They didn’t  
Care  
About  
Jam tents  
Or  
Designer boots  
Or  
Surprise singles  
Released  
On iTunes_ _

__They only  
Wanted her  
To say  
What they  
Already  
Decided_ _

___Depression_ _ _

__People  
Liked  
That  
Explanation_ _

__These concepts  
An explanation  
Something to  
Grasp_ _

__This is  
Important  
To people _ _

__Things  
Have  
Names_ _

__Names  
Make sense  
Names  
Don’t leave  
Every nerve  
Raw  
Exposed  
Vulnerable  
Shattered_ _

__Names  
Help_ _

___Depression_ _ _

__They repeat it  
Until  
It’s memorized  
Like  
The names  
Of state capitals  
Or  
The order  
Of the planets_ _

__A fact_ _

__Clear  
As the  
Difference  
Between  
Life  
And  
Death. _ _

__

__

__VI._ _

__Later  
What surprises her  
The most  
Is that  
She didn’t  
Cry  
In front of  
Those detectives  
Sobbing  
Her eyes out  
Tearing  
At her clothes  
Raging  
At God  
Like you see  
In the movies_ _

__But grief  
She’s realized  
Is  
Nothing  
Like  
Hollywood_ _

__Neatly  
Packaged  
And  
Scripted  
With  
Perfect musical score  
Lots of hugging  
And  
Pretty cry-faces _ _

__Instead  
It  
Eats  
At her_ _

__Savage  
Starving  
Never  
Satisfied_ _

__Biding  
Its  
Time  
Always  
Lurking_ _

__Ready  
To  
Strike_ _

__She still  
Doesn’t know  
Where he’s  
Buried_ _

__Doesn’t have  
A grave  
To visit_ _

__But  
Even if  
She could  
She doesn’t  
Think  
That  
Would be  
Like the  
Movies  
Either_ _

__Sitting by  
A headstone  
Tracing  
A name  
Feeling  
A sense  
Of peace  
Or presence_ _

__Touched by  
A freaking angel_ _

__Whatever  
Bullshit  
Is written  
Inside  
The Hallmark cards_ _

__She doesn’t  
Believe  
There is a  
Chunk  
Of rock  
That can  
Make up  
For_ _

__The coldness  
On the  
Other side  
Of the bed_ _

__The fact  
That the  
Sheets  
Have lost  
His smell_ _

__That she  
Has  
Nothing  
Of his  
To hold  
Onto_ _

__Except_ _

__The boots  
He gave her  
The album  
He believed in  
The songs  
He Inspired _ _

__It  
Levels  
Her  
Every  
Time_ _

__Clawing  
Her  
Insides_ _

__Turning  
Her  
Into  
A  
Bomb_ _

__A name  
Carved  
In stone  
Couldn’t  
Stop  
The bleeding_ _

__(At night  
She thinks  
About  
What his  
Funeral  
Was like  
And  
Weeps)_ _

__(She’ll  
Never  
See  
His name  
Waiting  
For her  
To reach out  
And touch  
The closest  
She’d get  
To  
Him  
Ever  
Again)_ _

__How  
Can there  
Be  
So few  
Traces  
Of him  
In her  
Life?_ _

__Just  
The boots  
The songs  
And  
The ghost  
Of being  
Loved  
Cherished  
Wanted_ _

__It should take  
More  
than  
A few  
Star-strung hours  
To completely  
Erase  
A human being  
From the world. _ _

__

__

__VII._ _

__Rayna  
Comes over  
One afternoon_ _

__Layla  
Turned off  
Her phone_ _

__And Rayna  
Had been  
Trying  
To reach  
Her  
All day_ _

__Layla thinks  
She’ll be  
Angry  
But Rayna’s  
Only  
Worried  
Wanting  
To see  
How she's  
Doing __

____(Shitty  
How  
Do you  
Think)_ _ __

__

__Layla  
Can’t  
Look  
At her When she says Sorry  
__

____Rayna  
Hugs her  
Warm  
Solid  
Without  
Judgment_ _ __

__

__Layla hates  
Herself  
For crying  
When  
All she wants  
To do  
Is  
Hold it  
Together  
In front of  
The living legend_  
But  
Her snot  
Is soaking  
The expensive silk  
Of Rayna’s blouse  
_

_She's  
Never  
Felt  
So Exhausted  
In  
Her  
Life  
_

_

__Rayna sits  
On the bed  
With Layla  
Strokes her  
Forehead  
Soothing  
The ache  
In her  
Temples  
And  
Tells her  
To close  
Her Eyes  
__

__She can't  
She can't  
Move  
At all  
__

__

__She’s  
Being  
Crushed_ _

__Rayna  
Keeps  
Her arms  
Around Layla  
Gentle fingers  
Stroking  
Her hair  
Her forehead  
Her back  
And doesn’t  
Leave_ _

__Just  
Holds on  
And  
Stays._ _

__

_

__

__


	2. Chapter 2

I.

The trees  
Are   
Dying  
October   
Is almost   
Over

A month   
Full of  
Monsters  
Ghosts  
Shadows  
Darkness   
Cemeteries  
Graves   
Death

Smiling pumpkins  
And  
Rubber bats  
Dangle from branches  
Of trees

Some  
Are still  
Holding onto   
Their leaves   
They’re pure gold  
Surrounded by   
Reds and oranges  
So   
They   
Glow  
Like  
Fire

The wind tries   
To push the leaves  
Toward a plunge  
To the ground   
Below 

They’ll pile   
Into the grass  
Turn brown  
With decay  
Eventually   
Rot  
Into   
Nothing

Each rustle   
Looks like  
A deep breath

A moment  
To choose  
If they’ll  
Leap   
Or  
Hold On

She thinks:  
They’ll   
never   
come   
back

The leaves  
Breathe   
At her

October  
Has been  
One   
Endless  
Death march  
Surrounded by  
Haunted things

But   
November   
Is the terror  
That keeps her  
Awake

He’ll never   
See   
That month

Or   
Any month   
After

The rest   
Of her life  
Will be   
The start   
Of months  
He’ll never see

She will go  
On

But 

He’ll   
Always  
Be   
Stuck  
In  
Fucking  
October

Always   
Stuck  
In the  
Month  
Of  
The  
Dead.

 

 

II.

She hasn’t  
Washed  
Her sheets  
Since   
Atlanta

She can   
Smell  
Them 

Greasy hair  
Unwashed skin  
And   
Restlessness

It’s comforting  
The sour stench  
Of   
Herself  
The snug  
Darkness  
Under the covers

The sheets  
Don’t expect   
Her  
To do   
Anything  
But   
Lie here  
And   
Breathe

In and out  
In and out

They wrap   
Around her  
As she   
Holds   
Herself   
Together

 

 

III.

Today   
Bad day

Bad headache  
Bad mood  
Bad everything  
Bad bad bad

There’s food  
She can’t keep down  
Clothes  
She doesn’t wash  
Calls and texts  
She doesn’t answer

Instead of   
Sleeping  
She   
Remembers

Trying  
To stay   
Completely still  
As if  
The slightest shift  
Of her body  
Will scatter  
The memories  
She’s trying   
To hold

She tries  
To burn  
The details  
Into   
Her brain

Every   
Word  
Every   
Movement  
Every   
Day   
Night   
Song   
Dream   
Smile

Taking   
Them  
Apart  
Trying to   
Feel   
His touch  
Hear   
His voice

She left him  
On that   
Roof

She was   
Tired  
She wanted  
To sleep

Instead of  
Talking  
With Luke

Instead of  
Having  
Another drink

Instead of  
Celebrating  
His new job

Instead of  
Staying

She didn’t think  
She needed  
A reason  
To   
Hold   
Onto  
Him

She didn’t think  
She’d ever  
Be   
Away  
From   
Him

She didn’t   
Think

He   
Asked   
Her  
To   
Stay  
And  
She  
Left

She doesn’t   
Get to know  
What happened  
Why it happened  
What she did  
Right or wrong

What she  
Could have   
Done  
What she  
Should have   
Done

She has  
To live  
With   
That

Forever

She  
Left   
Him  
On  
That  
Roof.

 

 

IV.

She hears  
His voice   
One afternoon  
Loud   
And   
Clear

Her guitar  
Sits  
In its  
Case  
By the bed

She wants  
To grab it  
And   
Hurl it  
Out   
The window

But  
She’s  
Frozen

She   
Waits  
For it  
Again  
Sure  
It’s  
Echoing  
Through  
The walls

She  
Stays  
Frozen  
But  
He  
Never  
Comes  
Back

Except for   
The tick   
Of the  
Clock  
The rattle   
Of the  
Heater  
The thud   
Of her   
Heartbeat   
The world  
Is   
Closed   
To her  
Silent  
As  
A  
Grave.

 

 

V.

Rayna  
Invites her  
To dinner  
Some swanky restaurant  
In   
The Gulch

Good thing  
There’s   
Candlelight  
The darkness  
Hides the zits  
Along her jawline  
Where   
She hasn’t  
Washed  
Her face  
Also hides  
The purple bags   
Under her eyes  
That look like  
Someone  
Sucker-punched  
Her

Rayna   
Is flawless  
Like she just  
Walked out of   
A cover shoot  
For some   
Southern lifestyle magazine  
Graciously ignoring  
The mess  
That is  
Currently  
Layla

The zits  
The bags  
The grey skin  
The ragged nails  
The wrinkled blouse  
And baggy pants  
That drape from  
Her body  
Like   
Curtains

She has   
To wear  
A belt  
To keep  
The pants  
From   
Sliding  
Off her hips

She hasn’t  
Been able  
To keep   
Much food down  
But   
Tells herself  
She will   
For Rayna  
So she looks  
Normal

Rayna asks:  
 _“How _  
 _are you_  
 _doin’_  
 _Sweetheart?”___

__How to  
Answer   
That?_ _

__My boyfriend  
Broke up   
With me  
By  
Killing himself  
I feel like  
I’ll never  
Be   
Happy  
Again  
And  
Every day  
It gets  
Worse  
He  
Left   
Me  
He   
And  
He   
Never  
Said  
Goodbye_ _

___“Fine,”_  
Is what   
Comes out  
Instead  
 _“It’s hard_  
 _But_  
 _It’s getting_   
_Better_  
 _A little_  
 _I mean_  
 _As much as_  
 _Things can_  
 _Get better.”__ _

__The food comes  
One bite  
Two bite  
Three bite   
Chew_ _

__Rayna watches her:  
 _“Sweetheart.”__ _

__The word  
Sets Layla’s teeth  
On edge_ _

___“My good friend_   
_Is a GP._   
_I could give you_   
_Her number.”_ _ _

__Rayna puts down  
Her wine glass:  
 _“She could  
Recommend   
Some people  
You could  
Talk to –   
If you think  
It might be  
Helpful.”__ _

__Whatever food  
Layla managed  
To swallow  
Threatens   
To come   
Back up:  
 _“What, like_  
 _A shrink?”__ _

__Rayna  
Chooses her words  
Like she’s   
Walking through  
Broken glass  
With  
Bare feet:  
 _“Do you think  
You might  
Be   
Open  
To  
The idea?  
I was   
Thinking  
It might  
Help  
To talk  
To someone  
Neutral   
Someone  
Who didn’t know Jeff  
Who can be  
Totally unbiased  
And knows  
How to help  
People  
Who have   
been through  
The same thing.”__ _

__There’s metal  
In Layla’s  
Mouth:  
 _“You want me  
To see   
A shrink.”__ _

___“I want to do  
Whatever I can  
To support you  
Through this,”_  
Rayna tells her   
_“Honey,  
I know   
You’ve been   
having  
Such a hard time -”__ _

___“A hard time?”_  
Layla’s voice  
Saws through   
The restaurant  
 _“My boyfriend  
Committed   
Suicide!  
I wasn’t allowed   
To go to the funeral  
To know where he’s buried  
To take anything of his  
To keep   
I have   
Nothing!”__ _

__People  
Are   
Staring_ _

__She doesn’t  
Remember  
Standing up  
But   
She’s shaking  
So hard  
She can   
Barely  
Stay   
On her feet_ _

___“You  
Can’t  
Do  
Anything   
For  
Me.  
Nobody   
Can.”_ _ _

__Rayna  
Just shakes   
Her head:  
 _“Please  
Layla  
Don’t  
Go –”__ _

__Layla flees  
From   
The compassion  
In her eyes. _ _

__

__

__VI._ _

__Outside  
The wind   
Goes from  
Rage  
To  
Stillness  
So complete   
It’s violent_ _

__It smells like  
Old snow   
She remembers it   
From when  
She was little  
Back in   
Connecticut _ _

__It’s the kind  
Of snow  
That clumped  
In slushy piles  
In the yard  
Every winter  
Long after  
The snow  
Stopped  
Falling_ _

__Those clumps  
Were   
Always   
Dirty  
Covered in  
Dirt  
Soot  
Mud  
And   
Took  
Forever  
To melt_ _

__When she was  
Little  
They made   
Her feel  
Like   
Winter  
Would   
Never  
Leave_ _

__Like  
She would  
Never  
See   
The sun  
Again_ _

__Something  
May have been   
Enough_ _

___“You  
Shouldn’t   
Have   
To   
Try  
To love  
Someone.”_ _ _

__Was that  
The beginning  
Of  
The end?_ _

__The cold  
That froze him  
Over?_ _

___“I couldn’t  
Lose you  
Layla   
I can’t.”_ _ _

__He was afraid  
She’d leave him _ _

__Maybe  
He never  
Believed  
She loved him_ _

__Maybe  
He never  
Believed  
She wanted  
To trust him_ _

__That  
Someday   
She’d let go  
Of the doubt  
That refused  
To melt  
After Will  
Broke her heart_ _

__Maybe  
He never  
Believed  
She’d let  
The sun  
Make her   
Feel warm  
Again_ _

__Did he  
Believe it  
On that  
Roof? _ _

__Her throat  
Aches  
It’s too tight  
To _ _

___Breathe_ _ _

__For a minute  
She wonders  
If   
The cracking noise  
She hears  
Is   
Only   
In her   
Head _ _

__Or whatever  
Just broke  
Inside her  
Is  
Loud enough  
For   
The whole  
City   
To hear_ _

__

__

__VII._ _

__She doesn’t  
Remember  
The actual  
Conversation _ _

__Not after:  
 _“Mr. Fordham  
Passed away  
Last night.”__ _

__She remembers  
Everything  
Leading up  
To   
The moment  
The detectives  
Knocked  
On her  
Door:_ _

__The weight  
Of the  
Hotel bathrobe   
Against  
Her skin_ _

__The taste  
Of the   
Strawberry breakfast bar  
She'd been eating_ _

__The sound  
Of the A/C   
Whirring underneath  
The window curtains_ _

__She remembers  
Checking   
Her emails  
Scrolling through   
Her Twitter mentions  
Brushing  
Her teeth  
Blow-drying  
Her hair_ _

__When the detectives  
Came to   
Her room  
She can’t   
Remember  
If she sat  
On the bed  
Because   
They told her to  
Or because   
It’s what  
They always did  
In movies_ _

__It didn’t  
Hit  
Her   
Completely _ _

__Not when  
She left  
The hotel_ _

__Not when  
She dialed  
Rayna’s number  
Realizing  
She had  
Nobody else  
To call_ _

__Not when  
Luke’s driver  
Picked her up  
And drove her   
To the jet  
While Luke  
And his son  
Looked   
Everywhere  
Except  
At her_ _

__Not when  
They landed  
And she saw  
Will  
Waiting   
To drive her   
Home_ _

__Not when  
He put   
His arms  
Around her  
Stroking her hair  
Like he used to  
When they were   
Together _ _

___“I’m so sorry”_  
He whispered  
 _“I don’t know  
What to say.”__ _

__Then  
It   
Hit_ _

__He’s  
Dead  
He’s   
Dead  
He’s  
Dead  
Hesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdead_ _

__She didn’t know  
She was saying it  
Out loud_ _

__Not until  
Will said:  
 _“I know.  
I’m sorry.  
I can’t   
Believe it  
Either.”__ _

__

__

__VIII._ _

__She finds  
The necklace  
At the   
Bottom  
Of her  
Suitcase  
From   
Atlanta  
When she   
Finally  
Unpacks it_ _

__She wants  
To burn   
The outfits  
She was   
Wearing  
That   
Entire   
Day  
And  
Night_ _

__She grabs  
The clothes  
About  
To throw   
Them   
In the   
Trash  
With the   
Coffee grounds  
And   
Rotting take-out   
When   
She sees   
It_ _

__The  
Velvet  
Box_ _

__He  
Must have   
Slipped it  
Into   
Her things  
When   
She wasn’t   
Looking_ _

__She opens it  
And finds  
The  
Necklace_ _

__Encrusted  
With   
Diamonds  
Glittering   
Like a   
Promise_ _

__It  
Must have   
Cost  
A small   
Fortune_ _

___“He  
Was   
In   
A   
Lot   
Of   
Debt.”_ _ _

__Why bother  
Saving money   
For debts   
You never intend  
To pay off?_ _

__Why not  
Spend it  
On something  
Beautiful?_ _

__The thought  
Leaps   
Into   
Her mind  
So suddenly _ _

__She throws  
The box   
Across  
The room_ _

__It’s like  
Blood   
On her   
Hands_ _

__It thumps  
Against   
The wall  
Staring   
At her   
From   
Its spot   
On   
The carpet_ _

__Was this  
His way   
Of   
Saying  
Goodbye?_ _

__An “I’m sorry”?  
An “I love you”?_ _

__A parting gift?_ _

__She has  
To wait  
Until   
Her hands   
Stop   
Shaking  
Before   
She picks  
It up  
And   
Hides it  
In the   
Closet  
In the   
Spare bedroom  
Filled with   
Junk   
No one uses   
And   
Won’t throw away_ _

__She opens  
The door  
Hurls   
The velvet box  
Inside  
Slams it   
Like she’s   
Hiding   
From   
A monster_ _

__In her  
Suitcase  
A note  
Slipped out  
Along  
With  
The box_ _

__(!!!!!!suicidenotesuicidenotesuicidenote!!!!!!!)_ _

__She can’t  
 _(“We were happy.”)_  
 _("What Jeff did isn't rational.")__ _

__Touch  
 _(“Wake me up.”)_  
 _(“He wouldn’t –”)__ _

__The  
Envelope _ _

__She didn’t  
Think  
It was  
Possible  
To fall  
Any   
Further  
Than  
The distance  
From   
_“Wake me up”_  
To   
The knocking  
On her door_ _

__Her legs  
Fall   
From   
Under   
Her_ _

__She was  
Wrong_ _

__She’ll  
Keep   
Falling_ _

__Who knows  
If she’ll  
Ever  
Hit  
The  
Ground._ _

__

__

__IX._ _

__Her chest  
Is   
Crushed  
She can’t   
Get   
Any  
Air _ _

__Dizziness  
Rolls   
Through   
Her  
In waves  
That   
Swallow   
Her  
Up   
And  
 _Crunchcrunchcrunch_  
Spit  
Her   
Back  
Out_ _

__There’s  
Nothing   
In her   
Stomach  
But   
Somehow  
She finds   
Something  
To empty   
Into   
The toilet bowl  
Hands slipping  
Against   
The porcelain  
Her head   
Searing   
With pain   
So heavy  
She can’t   
Open   
Her   
Eyes_ _

__Again  
Again  
Again_ _

__The stench  
Makes her   
Sick_ _

__And  
Again_ _

__Until  
She lies   
Gasping  
On the   
Floor  
Like  
A dying fish_ _

__The only  
Thing  
She can do  
Is   
Lie there  
Covered in   
Puke   
And   
Snot  
And   
Tears  
Waiting to  
Breathe  
Or  
Suffocate_ _

__Whichever  
Comes  
First._ _


	3. Chapter 3

I.

A few   
Weeks ago  
There was   
Still  
Green  
On the   
Trees  
.  
The sky  
Bright  
As a   
Smile  
.  
The sun  
Warm  
On her  
Shoulders  
.  
The days   
Spicy  
With the   
Season  
.  
Now   
It’s   
Gone  
.  
Cold   
And   
Cutting  
As   
Dashed   
Hope  
.  
It  
Has  
Almost  
Been  
One  
Month  
.  
One   
Whole  
Fucking  
Month  
Of   
Her  
Whole  
Fucking  
Life  
.  
Except  
Technically  
There are  
Two days  
That mark  
The time  
.  
Because  
She   
Still  
Doesn’t know  
The actual   
Day  
He died   
.  
The night   
Of the party  
Or the   
Midnight   
Morning after  
.  
She has to  
Live with   
Two days  
Of knowing  
Exactly  
How long  
It has been  
Without   
Him  
.  
Why   
Does it   
Feel  
Like   
Any second  
He’s going   
To   
Come around   
The corner  
Scowling   
At her  
Saying  
She needs  
To act   
Less like  
Ditzy tabloid fodder  
And more like  
An acoustic indie staple  
.  
How is   
Anyone  
Supposed  
To take her  
Seriously  
Otherwise?  
.  
Like he   
Said  
A million times:  
“The name  
Of the game  
Is  
Re-branding.”  
.  
When   
Is this feeling  
Going to go  
Away?  
.  
Does   
She  
Want  
It  
To?  
.  
Each time   
She believes  
For a   
Heartbeat   
.  
He’s still  
Here  
And  
The hurt  
Always  
Feels  
Brand new  
.  
Her bangs   
Are growing   
Back in  
Getting closer   
To the hairstyle   
She had  
Last year  
.  
Her hair  
Is almost  
Past her   
Shoulders  
.  
She tries   
Pulling it back  
And  
Realizes  
.  
Jeff   
Will never   
See her   
Like this   
.  
He will   
Never   
See   
This hairstyle  
.  
Or any other  
.  
Just like  
He’ll never see  
The songs she’s written   
The album she’s finishing  
The career she’ll have  
Now  
.  
She is  
Becoming   
Someone   
He will never   
Know  
.  
(Would   
He still   
Love her  
If he did?)  
.  
Is she  
Going to   
Become   
Pieces   
He’d never   
Be able   
To put   
Together?  
.  
Then  
It hits her   
.  
She  
Already   
Is.

 

 

II.

The night of   
Her Opry debut  
They   
Needed   
Each other  
Too greedily   
To be   
Careful  
.  
He was   
Urgent   
And   
She missed   
The thrill   
Of   
Being needed  
So   
Wildly   
.  
He was   
Far gone   
And   
She wanted him   
To stay   
That way  
Sinking   
As far  
Into   
Each other   
As   
They   
Could  
With   
Nothing  
In between  
Them  
.  
When they   
Were   
Done  
Neither   
Of them   
Had any   
Regrets   
Or  
Afterthoughts  
.  
Now  
She leans   
Over  
The toilet  
Her stomach   
Turning   
Her lungs   
Ripped out   
Of her chest  
The empty chamber  
Of her insides  
Lit on fire  
.  
The  
Entire world   
Spins  
She vomits  
Again  
Falling   
To the floor  
Cheek pressed  
To dirty bathroom tiles  
Every gag  
Like a jolt  
Straight   
To her   
Heart.

 

 

III.

November  
Is wet  
.  
It rains  
Almost   
Every  
Day  
And  
Night  
.  
Headstone-colored  
Clouds  
Glide across  
The city  
.  
Every store  
Has   
Jingle bells  
Candy canes  
Red bows  
White lights  
Wreaths   
Garland  
“Deck The Halls”  
And  
“Jingle Bells”  
.  
Every   
Target  
And   
Walgreens  
Tells her  
To have herself  
A Merry Little Christmas  
.  
Jade  
Calls  
Again:  
.  
“Layla  
I know  
You never  
Returned  
My last  
Call  
But  
Since  
Today  
Is  
Jeff’s  
Birthday  
I thought  
Maybe  
You  
Might  
Want  
To  
Talk.”  
.  
Her heartbeat  
Is so   
Loud  
Or maybe  
That’s the   
Roaring  
Inside   
Her head  
.  
“I  
Couldn’t  
Stop  
Thinking  
About  
Him  
Today  
And  
I can’t  
Imagine  
How hard  
This is  
For   
You  
So  
If you want  
Call me  
I’m in  
Beverly Hills   
Right now  
So the   
Time zones  
Will be  
Wacky  
But   
I mean it  
Layla  
Call  
Anytime.”  
.  
End  
Of  
Voicemail  
.  
The bomb   
Inside her  
Is   
Clawing  
Away  
At her  
Insides   
.  
If it   
Goes off  
It will   
Blow   
The   
Walls  
Apart  
.  
“Today  
Is  
Jeff’s  
Birthday.”  
.  
She texts  
Will  
It’s   
Almost  
Midnight  
But  
He picks up  
After   
One ring  
.  
“I’m coming over”  
And he’s there  
Like magic  
.  
He puts his arms  
Around her  
But she   
Can’t take it  
.  
“I don’t know  
What day  
He died –”  
.  
Will looks   
At her  
Like   
She belongs  
In a padded room   
Drooling in a   
Straitjacket  
.  
Maybe   
She  
Does   
.  
“Layla  
I know   
It’s   
Hard–”  
.  
“No –   
I don’t know  
What time  
He died.  
Was it  
The last night  
I saw him?  
Or   
Was it   
Already   
The next day?”  
.  
Will puts   
His hands  
On her shoulders  
He looks   
So exhausted:  
“I don’t think  
It matters much...”  
.  
She pushes him   
Away:  
“It does to me.  
I don’t know  
The day  
He died.  
I don’t know  
When he decided  
He couldn’t do it:  
Be CEO.  
Live with me.  
Love me.  
I don't know  
And   
Nobody  
Can   
Tell   
Me!”  
.  
Tears drown   
Her words:  
“I don’t have  
Anything of his –   
Even   
A day  
On the calendar.”  
.  
Will   
Puts his arms  
Around her  
.  
This time  
She collapses   
Into them  
Instead of  
Pulling away.

 

 

IV.

When   
She can’t   
Sleep  
She  
Writes  
.  
Blank spaces   
Screaming   
For words   
When  
Her head  
Screams   
For silence   
And   
Her mouth   
Can’t scream   
At all  
.  
Songs  
Tap   
At her  
Brain  
Like  
Fists  
Rapping  
On her door  
.  
Ink   
Pours out  
Of her  
Dashes   
And   
Lines   
So  
Fast  
They can’t  
Keep up   
With her   
Thoughts  
.  
They beat   
From  
Her footsteps  
In the places  
He’d been  
.  
From  
The seams  
Of the bed  
They shared  
From  
Her bones  
That ache  
With  
Electricity  
Because  
She has him  
There  
.  
His number  
Is still  
In her   
Phone   
.  
She changed  
The ringer  
So her heart  
Would stop  
Leaping  
Every time  
The phone  
Rang  
And  
It wasn’t   
Him  
.  
It   
Didn’t  
Work  
.  
On nights  
She can’t  
Fight  
The image  
Of him  
Flinging through  
A sequenced city night  
She reads  
Old text messages  
And   
Listens to  
Old voicemails  
.  
Every time  
She’s more   
Surprised  
At how little  
She remembers  
His voice  
.  
(Or maybe  
Everything  
Sounds   
Different  
Through   
The haze  
Of bourbon)  
.  
Sometimes   
All she does   
Is sit   
And   
Stare   
At the page  
And   
Can’t  
Think   
Of   
Anything   
To say  
Except  
.  
I miss you   
So   
Much   
.  
Those   
Five   
Words   
.  
Over  
And  
Over   
And   
Over   
And  
Over  
And  
Over  
.  
It feels like  
She’s serving   
A life sentence  
For   
A crime  
She didn’t  
Commit.

 

 

V.

When she   
Wakes up  
To   
Freezing sunshine  
Dancing across   
Her body  
It makes her  
Pull the covers   
Over her head  
.  
Ambien  
Beckons   
From the   
Medicine cabinet  
But   
She pushes herself  
To the   
Dishes  
Laundry  
Dust  
That has   
Piled up  
.  
She can’t   
Remember  
The last time  
She tried  
To make anything  
Look   
Like it   
Used to  
.  
There isn’t  
Any food  
In her  
Cupboards  
She can’t  
Remember  
Her last trip  
To the  
Grocery store  
.  
The fridge  
Is almost   
Empty  
As well   
And a smell  
Like spoiled tuna  
Assaults her  
Head-on  
Making her   
Gag  
.  
She can’t  
Imagine  
What it is  
That smells  
Like  
Something  
Died  
In here  
.  
For some  
Reason  
That thought  
Makes her  
Smile  
.  
It’s   
Perverse  
But   
A few  
Giggles  
Escape her  
.  
Then more  
Then more  
Then more  
Then more   
.  
Maybe  
She really  
Does  
Need  
A straitjacket  
.  
She reaches  
Into the fridge  
Pulls out  
The first thing  
She can reach  
.  
A small can  
Of energy drink  
.  
The kind  
Jeff liked  
.  
Who knows  
How long  
It’s been   
Sitting here  
Waiting   
For him  
To come back  
.  
She stares  
At the   
Red label   
While a movie  
Replays  
In her head:   
.  
Jeff  
Pushing her   
Against the   
Bed frame  
Hands   
Around her waist  
Lips   
On her neck  
As he lifts her   
On the mattress  
His shirt comes  
Over his head  
Her own  
Comes off  
And  
He smirks  
Too smug  
So  
She takes off  
His belt  
Hands moving  
Down  
She wants   
To wipe  
That look  
Off his face  
.  
Scene shifts  
They eat   
Pad Thai   
On the couch  
While   
He discusses  
Branding strategies  
.  
Scene shifts  
He tells her  
She looks  
Like a   
Twenty-dollar hooker  
In that dress  
Three minutes later  
The dress  
Slips off  
And  
They’re   
On the couch  
His head  
Sliding  
Between her legs  
His warm mouth  
Wanting  
All of her  
.  
Scene shifts   
Again   
He’s at   
Her door:  
He’s  
Not good   
At  
Intimacy  
But   
He wants   
To try  
.  
Scene shifts  
“Rising tides  
Raise  
All ships.”  
He gives her  
The boots  
And  
She doesn’t  
Think  
She can  
Adore   
Him  
More  
.  
“I’m glad   
You’re home.”  
.  
Back to  
Now  
.  
She   
Looks  
Up  
.  
The sunlight   
Is in   
A different place  
On her floor  
.  
Time  
Melted  
Around her  
While  
She got lost  
In the   
Past  
.  
She limps   
Back to bed  
Sets the   
Energy drink  
On the   
Nightstand  
Next to   
The side  
Of the   
Bed  
Where he   
Slept  
.  
Fuck fuck fuck  
.  
Everything  
Is   
Fucked.

 

 

VI.

When she   
Woke up  
In the hospital  
After  
Jeff’s party  
She remembers  
The nurse  
Saying she was   
Lucky   
.  
“Your body   
Fights  
Drowning  
It’s a  
Natural reflex.”  
.  
Layla didn’t   
Feel lucky  
She just knew  
She’d failed  
.  
She hadn’t  
Gone  
To the party  
Wanting  
To die  
.  
She can’t   
Remember  
Ever   
Wanting to die  
Before   
Seeing Will  
With that woman  
.  
She didn’t   
Make any plans  
She didn’t   
Write a note  
She didn’t   
Fantasize about it  
She didn’t  
Think about it   
At all  
.  
Not   
Before   
She opened  
That bedroom door  
.  
Was he thinking  
About it  
When she made  
Her Opry debut?  
.  
Was he thinking   
About it  
When he said  
He wouldn’t  
Let Rayna  
Forget her  
Just because  
She signed  
Markus Kane?  
.  
Was he thinking  
About it  
When Luke   
Made him   
CEO?  
.  
Did he think  
About   
Not doing it?  
.  
Did he think  
Anything?  
.  
What was   
His moment  
Of   
Opening  
That bedroom door?  
.  
When did he  
Make his  
Choice?  
.  
When   
Did   
Everything  
Get  
So   
Bad?  
.  
Her body  
Is still   
Alive  
Today  
Because   
It fought  
What she tried  
To do   
To herself  
.  
She doesn’t  
Think  
It was  
The same  
For Jeff  
.  
Maybe   
For him  
There was   
Never  
A choice

 

 

VII.

One day  
She calls   
Will  
In a   
Panic  
Convinced  
He’s   
Dead  
His truck  
Overturned  
In a ditch  
On some  
Country backroad  
With   
No streetlights  
No traffic  
And no people  
For miles  
.  
Mangled  
Beyond recognition  
On some   
Desolate stretch  
Of I-40  
Metal and body  
Blood and bone  
Fused together  
Until   
They can’t  
Separate  
Man  
From   
Machine  
.  
Burning  
Like a wildfire  
While he’s   
Trapped   
Inside  
The flames  
Getting closer  
To the   
Gasoline tank  
Just moments  
From an   
Explosion  
.  
She calls him  
And  
He asks her  
To repeat herself  
Four times  
Before  
He understands her  
And  
Can answer  
Her questions  
.  
He’s   
Fine  
.  
He’s   
At the bank  
.  
His truck  
Is sitting  
In the   
Parking lot  
Very much  
Not twisted  
Not overturned  
Not on fire  
.  
She’s crying  
Unable to tell  
If it’s from  
Relief  
Or   
Fear  
.  
Will says  
He’s coming over  
Right now  
.  
She  
Screams  
.  
NONONONONONONONONO  
.  
Her hands  
Shaking  
So badly  
She drops  
The phone  
.  
NONONONONONONONONO  
.  
What if  
He gets  
Into  
An accident?  
.  
What if   
Her idea  
Becomes   
Real?  
.  
Will sounds  
Like he’s   
About to call  
The crazy police  
And have her  
Locked up  
In some  
Padded room  
Where they  
Throw away  
The key  
.  
Right now  
Another stay  
In the  
Psyche ward  
.  
At least there  
She’ll be   
Allowed  
To stay  
In bed  
With sheets  
Someone else   
Will change  
Every day  
And  
She'll be  
Too drugged  
To  
Dream  
Remember  
Or  
Think  
.  
Maybe this time  
They won’t   
Let her out  
Maybe this time  
They’ll just  
Tell her  
She’s too crazy  
And   
Throw away  
The key  
.  
He tells her  
He won’t  
Crash  
.  
The drive  
To her place  
Is only  
Ten minutes  
From the bank  
And  
He’ll stay  
On the phone  
With her  
The entire time  
.  
He’s still  
On the phone  
When he parks   
In her   
Driveway  
.  
She opens  
The front door  
And throws  
Her arms  
Around him  
Shaking  
So badly  
He has to  
Hold her  
Up  
.  
It’s somehow  
A miracle  
He’s here  
In one piece  
.  
He runs  
His hands  
Down her back  
And  
Strokes her hair  
Asking:  
“Why   
Were you   
So upset?”  
.  
She   
Knew  
Something  
Was  
Wrong  
.  
The feeling  
Was   
So  
Strong  
Just  
Like  
A  
Knife  
Through  
Her   
Gut  
.  
She was  
So sure  
It was  
True  
.  
It had  
To be  
.  
She knows  
Now:  
"Horrible things  
Happen  
All the time  
For no reason."  
.  
He stares  
At her  
With   
Disbelief  
.  
“Well  
Look at me.  
Clearly  
I’m fine.  
No need   
To panic.  
Everything’s   
All right  
Now.”  
.  
But   
It won’t  
Always   
Be  
.  
She tells  
Him that  
And  
He frowns  
.  
“Layla  
I promise you  
I’m okay.  
Everything  
Is  
Gonna  
Be  
All right.”  
.  
She pushes him  
Away from her  
Pacing the room:  
“You can’t  
Say that  
To me.   
You can’t   
Promise  
Anything!  
Everything  
Changes  
When you  
Never  
See it   
Coming!”  
.  
Will’s face  
Is so  
Sad  
.  
He reaches   
For her  
Slowly  
Like he’s   
Afraid  
She’ll bite  
.  
“Layla  
What happened  
To Jeff…”  
.  
She whirls around  
And  
Slaps him  
So hard  
Her hand aches  
.  
“He killed himself!  
He left me  
And  
He  
Jumped off  
A fucking building!”  
.  
She   
Can’t  
Breathe  
.  
“Why  
Would   
He   
Do   
That  
To   
Me?  
Why  
Did   
He   
Want   
To   
Leave?  
WHAT  
DID  
I   
DO  
WRONG?”  
.  
Will   
Keeps reaching  
For her  
Looking like  
He might  
Cry:  
“Layla  
You can’t  
Ask  
Those questions –  
It’s just  
Torturing   
Yourself… ”  
.  
She cuts  
him off   
.  
“That’s  
All  
I  
Do   
Is  
Ask  
Questions!  
I  
Can’t  
Do   
Anything  
Else!  
He   
Broke  
Up  
With  
Me  
By  
KILLING  
HIMSELF!  
I’m  
Never  
Gonna  
Be  
Okay  
Again!  
Nothing  
Will  
Ever  
Be  
Okay!  
HE’S  
DEAD!”  
.  
(!!!Falsehopewakemeuppeoplemaskdepressionfeelinglikethatrationalsuicidevacatehappywere!!!)  
.  
Somehow  
She’s on   
The ground  
And   
Will’s arms  
Are holding her  
One hand   
On her chest  
The other  
Gripping her fingers  
So hard  
They might  
Break  
.  
His eyes  
Are   
Wide   
And   
Terrified  
As he   
Tells her  
To  
.  
Take a breath  
Slowly  
In and out  
.  
She   
Can’t   
.  
“Shhh, shhhh  
Come on  
Layla  
Come on  
Take a   
Deep breath  
Shhhh, shhhhh.”  
.  
She stops   
Fighting  
Stops   
Screaming  
Stops   
Moving  
Just stares  
At the ceiling  
Holding his hand  
.  
He shushes her  
Holding her   
On the ground  
And  
Won’t let go  
Of her hand  
.  
She’s   
Freezing  
All over  
Except   
Where his   
Fingers  
Close   
Over hers  
.  
“Shhhhh, Shhhhh  
Breathe  
Layla  
Shhhh, Shhhh.”  
.  
He whispers  
To her  
Until  
Her chest  
Can match  
The movements  
Of his   
.  
In and out  
In and out  
.  
Deep  
Steady  
Slow  
.  
They sit   
On the floor  
Arms   
Wrapped around  
Each other  
.  
He strokes  
Her hair  
Murmuring words   
In her ears  
Soft as a   
Lullaby  
.  
She holds  
Onto his neck  
And  
Cries  
Until   
She thinks  
She’s been turned  
Inside  
Out  
.  
He brushes  
Her forehead  
So gently  
And tells her:  
“You   
Didn’t do  
Anything.  
It’s   
Not  
Your  
Fault.”  
.  
She whispers  
In his ear:  
“You   
Can’t  
Know  
That.”


	4. Chapter 4

I.

One  
.  
Month.

 

 

II.

She   
Opens   
Her eyes  
Sees  
The sun  
Through  
The blinds  
The numbers  
Blinking  
On her clock  
While  
The radio  
Plays a   
Miranda Lambert  
Song  
.  
She   
Throws  
The clock  
Against   
The wall  
.  
Closes  
Her   
Eyes  
.  
Getting  
Out of  
Bed  
Has   
Too many  
Horrors  
Today  
.  
The heavy-bottomed glass  
He used  
To drink  
Scotch  
.  
The black coffee cup  
With the   
Tennessee state flag  
He drank from  
.  
Glenn Goodman’s  
Card  
In a compartment  
Of her   
Purse  
.  
The box   
Of condoms  
They kept   
In the drawer  
By his side  
Of the bed  
Half-used  
.  
Will   
Texts her  
And offers  
To stay  
The night  
.  
She tells him  
No  
.  
But   
When she  
Texts him  
At   
1:13 AM  
Feeling like   
The world  
Won’t stop  
Spinning  
He answers   
On the   
First ring  
Like he was   
Expecting   
Her call  
And says  
He’ll be there  
In five minutes  
.  
Sleep  
Won’t come  
Tonight  
.  
Maybe  
There will be  
Nightmares  
.  
But maybe  
Her head  
Will be   
As dark   
As the sky   
.  
No moon  
No stars  
No clouds  
.  
Just  
Blackness  
.  
Dark enough  
To   
Fall through  
And   
Never  
Hit  
Bottom.

 

 

III.

It’s Tuesday  
And she   
Can’t stand  
Looking  
At the   
Dryer  
.  
She can’t  
Keep food  
Down  
Has puked  
Twice  
.  
Two hours  
Of   
Sleep   
.  
Instead of   
Sleeping  
She remembers  
.  
She remembers  
Taking the pills  
Downing them  
With her drink  
The numbness  
Flooding her  
Like warm honey  
.  
She remembers  
How it felt  
To look  
At the   
Pulsing light  
Of the water  
And   
Feel like  
It could  
Take her  
Someplace   
Warm  
.  
But mostly  
She remembers  
How  
Everything   
Stopped  
.  
After  
Seeing Will  
With that  
Woman  
She   
Felt like  
She would   
Burst  
Into   
Flames   
.  
But  
The pills  
The booze  
The water  
.  
It took   
All her pain  
Away  
.  
And  
It was  
Easier  
Than  
Taking a breath  
.  
She remembers  
And  
She wonders  
.  
If she  
Had been  
On that   
Roof   
Could she have  
Saved him?  
.  
Or  
Would he  
Have jumped   
To get away  
From her?  
.  
Did he   
Feel   
Anything  
The moment  
He stepped off  
That ledge?  
.  
Or  
Was the   
Hurt  
Inside him  
Too much?  
.  
Was he  
Too numb?  
.  
Did he   
Think  
The impact  
Of bone   
To  
Earth  
Was all  
That could   
Help him?  
.  
What   
Was   
So   
Terrible  
He thought  
Nothing   
Could   
Change   
It?  
.  
She wonders  
Then  
Realizes  
.  
It’s useless  
.  
She’ll never  
Find   
The answers  
.  
Even if   
She turned over  
Every inch  
Of the  
World  
Looking  
For  
One.

 

 

IV.

In her   
Dreams  
And  
Nightmares  
His face   
Doesn’t look like  
His face  
.  
He has   
The shadow   
Of what  
Will happen   
Written   
All over him  
Instead of   
The features   
She knows  
.  
(Knew)  
.  
Maybe   
This means   
She’s lost him   
Completely  
Even   
In   
Her   
Memories.

 

 

V.

Will  
Texts her  
One afternoon  
And  
Invites her  
To his place  
For Thanksgiving  
.  
His roommates  
Will be   
Out of state  
And   
He doesn’t   
Feel like  
Being alone   
On a big  
Family holiday  
.  
She tells him  
She’ll think   
About it  
.  
She’s not sure  
She wants  
To spend  
Thanksgiving  
Alone  
Either   
But  
The thought of  
Having some   
Cozy dinner  
With her   
Ex-husband  
Seems too   
Weird   
.  
Even for her  
.  
Rayna   
Also invited her  
To have   
Thanksgiving dinner  
With her  
Deacon  
Her two daughters  
And   
Scarlett O’Connor  
.  
Layla remembers  
Going to   
Rayna’s  
The afternoon  
They talked  
About   
Her album  
And  
Wrote  
That song   
.  
It feels  
So  
Long  
Ago  
Now  
.  
Like   
A   
Completely  
Different  
Lifetime  
.  
She remembers  
The framed pictures  
Of her  
And  
Deacon  
.  
The love  
In their eyes  
The devotion  
In their expressions  
The forever  
Between them   
.  
It was all  
So real  
You could  
See it  
Shining  
Through   
The   
Photographs  
.  
There’s  
A wedding  
Planned  
In the spring  
.  
A diamond  
On Rayna’s   
Finger  
.  
A smile  
That she   
Can’t quite mask  
.  
And why   
Should she?  
.  
They waited  
Twenty years  
To finally  
Be together  
And now  
Their dream  
Is  
Reality  
.  
Together  
Forever  
.  
The greatest   
Love story  
In country music  
About to  
Come true  
.  
Rayna  
Has had  
Half her life  
With   
The man  
She loves  
.  
It will   
Take Layla   
Only  
Eight months   
Until  
The time  
Without Jeff  
Becomes  
More than  
The time  
With Jeff  
.  
She shouldn’t  
Be making   
Plans  
To enjoy herself  
Or  
Spend time   
With people   
She cares about  
Especially   
For the holidays  
.  
It would be  
Just like  
Doing  
What Juliette said  
.  
Forget   
About Jeff  
Forget   
They ever happened  
Forget  
And move on  
.  
Because   
He’s gone  
And  
He’s never   
Coming back   
.  
She can’t  
Forget  
She won’t  
Forget  
She’ll never  
Forget  
.  
Even if  
She’s the   
Only one  
Who cares  
Enough  
To remember  
.  
She   
Doesn’t   
Even   
Have   
One   
Year  
Of   
Him  
.  
Rayna   
Will spend  
The day  
Thankful  
For the   
Beautiful dream  
She and Deacon  
Are about  
To live out  
.  
Will’s roommates  
Will be  
With their own  
Families   
Surrounded by love  
.  
Layla supposes  
Juliette  
Is spending  
The day  
With her  
Loving husband  
And  
Brand new baby  
.  
The picture-perfect  
Family  
All smiling  
For the   
Cameras  
.  
Juliette  
And her   
Family  
All so  
Happy  
.  
She balls  
Her fists  
Into her   
Hands  
So tightly  
They leave  
Dents  
In her   
Palms  
.  
Hatred  
So acidic  
And  
Powerful  
Shoots through her  
Stronger  
Than any drug  
Or   
Any tossed-back shot  
Could make her  
.  
.  
No one   
Will ever   
Know  
How much  
Layla wishes  
Juliette would feel  
An ounce  
Of what  
She feels  
Every second  
Of  
Every day  
.  
The person  
She loved most  
The person  
Who loved her most  
The person  
She was planning  
The future with  
Is gone  
Forever  
.  
She’s  
Alone  
While  
Everyone else  
Gets to be  
With   
The people  
They love  
And   
Hold them   
Close  
.  
She hasn’t  
Felt   
This much  
Venom  
Coursing through her  
Since  
The day  
She stood  
On that hillside  
And   
Told Will  
She hated him  
.  
She forgot  
How powerful  
It was  
.  
How strong  
It could   
Be  
.  
How it could  
Make her   
Feel  
.  
Invincible  
Unstoppable  
Capable of   
Anything.

 

 

VI.

When she was   
With Will   
She told him   
Everything   
Because   
She felt   
Like   
She could   
.  
She thought   
It was   
Amazing   
There was   
Someone   
She could   
Tell  
Everything   
To   
No matter  
How small 

They could be  
Boring   
Important  
Random   
As robot tones   
But   
They were   
Hers   
To tell   
Him   
.  
There was   
Never   
A time   
Before   
He came out   
She believed   
It would   
End   
.  
There was  
Never   
A moment  
She told him   
Something   
And   
Thought:  
“You should   
Remember   
This   
Moment   
One day   
Soon  
It will   
All   
Be   
Over.”  
.  
It wasn’t   
Like that   
With Jeff   
.  
They didn’t   
Tell each other   
Everything   
.  
She kept   
Her secrets   
And   
He kept   
His  
.  
They   
Didn’t   
Trust  
Each other  
And   
Trusted  
Themselves  
Even less  
.  
They   
Were   
Both  
Damaged  
Both  
Broken   
Both  
Messed-up  
.  
But   
She thought   
That’s   
What made   
Them   
Work  
.  
They were   
Two   
Messed-up   
People   
Who were   
Messed-up   
The same ways  
.  
They didn’t  
Turn out   
Their pockets   
Or   
Open up  
Their hearts   
Or  
Take down  
Their guards   
.  
She thought  
They knew  
Each other’s   
Sins   
Mistakes   
Flaws  
Hatreds   
Jealousies  
Lies  
Fears   
.  
She thought  
They fit   
Because   
His damages  
Were the same  
Size  
And  
Shape  
As  
Her own  
.  
She thought  
She understood  
.  
She   
Should   
Have   
Seen   
Him   
As   
Clearly  
Honestly  
Powerfully   
As  
He   
Saw   
Her .

 

 

VII.

She’d love  
Nothing more  
Than   
To stay  
In bed  
Until   
The new millennium  
.  
But  
She smells  
.  
She can’t  
Remember  
The last time  
She   
Took a shower  
Or   
Brushed her teeth  
Or  
Combed her hair  
Or   
Changed her underwear  
.  
She’s  
Too rank  
To ignore it   
Anymore  
.  
She hasn’t  
Gotten  
Out of bed  
Since   
The One-Month Marker  
.  
How long   
Ago  
Was that?  
.  
A few   
Days?  
.  
A few  
Weeks?  
.  
No clue  
.  
She climbs  
Out of   
Bed  
And  
Topples  
To the   
Floor  
Her legs   
Too weak  
To stand  
.  
She lies  
There  
In a heap  
On the   
Floor   
Swimming   
In her own  
Stink  
And  
Staring   
Up at the   
Ceiling   
.  
She’s trying  
To pull  
The comforter   
To the floor  
On top  
Of her  
When  
She finds its  
.  
The letter  
.  
The one  
That came   
With  
The necklace  
Jeff gave her  
.  
(!!!!!!suicidenotesuicidenotesuicidenote!!!!!!!)  
.  
The room  
Greys  
Around  
The   
Edges

She   
Stares  
At  
The envelope  
.  
One month   
Ago  
She would have  
Followed him  
Off that  
Building  
If   
It meant  
She’d find  
Some sort of  
Answer  
.  
Now  
She has  
The closest  
She’ll ever get  
.  
The   
Paper   
Crumples  
And  
Curls  
In her   
Fist   
From  
The sweat  
Of  
Her palm  
.  
She  
Uncurls  
Her  
Fingers  
One  
By  
One  
And  
Stares  
.  
She wanted  
Some sort of  
Answer  
Explanation  
Apology  
So badly  
And  
It was  
Sitting   
Under her bed  
All this time  
.  
Patient  
Present  
Lurking  
As  
Grief  
.  
She  
Can’t.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Remember when I said this would have five parts? Well, don’t listen to me. I am a lying liar who tells lies. It actually has seven parts.

I.

Her first day   
Back   
In the studio  
Is   
Just as bad  
As she imagined   
.  
Only   
A thousand times  
Worse  
.  
Whispers   
Crawl from  
Every crevice  
.  
Conversations  
Fall apart  
When she  
Walks by  
.  
Eyes stare  
Curiously  
When she  
Enters a room  
.  
Some have  
Pity  
In their eyes  
And   
That makes her  
Angriest  
Of all   
.  
The harder   
Everyone tries  
To look   
Away  
The more  
Obvious  
It is  
That they’re  
Staring  
.  
She’s used  
To eyes  
On her   
.  
American Hitmaker  
Juliette’s tour  
The reality show  
.  
But   
She’s not   
Used to   
The morbid fascination  
.  
And anyway  
The reality show   
Was   
So long ago  
.  
Who   
Cares about  
Robot tones?  
.  
Who   
Cares about  
Fake rap videos?  
.  
Who   
Cares about  
Internet memes  
And  
Late-night talk show skits  
And  
People asking  
If she’d need help  
Opening that can  
Of spaghetti sauce?  
.  
She thinks   
About it  
And   
Honestly  
Can’t believe  
Why it all  
Made her  
So  
Upset  
Why it all  
Mattered.

 

 

II.

Rayna calls  
Again  
To see  
How she’s   
Doing  
.  
(Do you   
Really   
Want me   
To answer   
That?)  
.  
She tells Layla   
She’s happy  
To see her  
In the studio  
But  
She doesn’t need  
To make it  
A priority  
If she’s  
Still  
Not feeling  
Up to it  
.  
(‘Up to it’ –   
The phrase  
Strikes her  
As   
The weirdest way  
To ask someone  
If they’re  
Over  
Their boyfriend  
Killing himself)  
.  
No pressure  
For her  
To finish  
The album  
And release it  
Right away  
.  
Layla  
Can take  
As much  
Time  
As she  
Needs  
.  
Bucky called  
The day after  
Luke’s concert tribute  
And said   
The same thing:  
She didn’t  
Need to  
Rush   
Back to work  
They were  
Bumping up  
The release date  
For Markus’s album  
And   
Pushing her’s back  
Indefinitely  
.  
That way  
She’d have  
Time  
To  
Recover  
.  
That was   
The word  
He used:  
“Recover”  
.  
Like she  
Had the flu  
Like she   
Broke her leg  
Like she   
Just had surgery  
.  
“Recover.”

 

 

III.

Jade   
Calls   
Again  
.  
Layla's busy  
Writing a song  
And   
Lets the call  
Go straight  
To   
Voicemail  
.  
When the   
Notification   
Blinks  
She   
Deletes  
Jade’s message  
Without  
Listening  
.  
As her finger  
Hits ‘DELETE’  
Layla thinks   
Of all   
The words   
She said   
To Jeff  
.  
The words   
She didn’t   
.  
The words   
People   
Don’t say   
After   
Someone dies   
.   
The ones   
That can  
Cut you  
Open  
And   
Bleed you  
Dry  
.  
It  
All  
Goes   
Through   
Her   
.  
This   
Is the   
Music   
She knows   
Now   
.  
The morning   
She woke up   
And   
Couldn’t remember   
His usual Starbucks order  
.  
The day  
She forgot  
Where he went   
For his undergrad   
.  
The shape  
Of his  
Handwriting  
.  
The scent  
Of his   
Clothes  
.  
His favorite brand   
Of whiskey   
.  
She’s become   
Someone  
Unable   
To remember   
The taste   
Of his name   
In her mouth   
Slipping   
From her tongue   
To his.

 

 

IV.

“Are you  
Playing  
Winterville  
Nashfest?”  
.  
She   
Freezes  
.  
He ordered  
Take-out  
From   
Hattie B’s  
Trying  
To tempt her  
Into   
Eating  
Real food  
For   
The first time  
In   
Weeks  
.  
She appreciates  
The effort  
But  
Isn’t sure  
If she’ll  
Be able  
To   
Keep it down  
.  
Lately  
She’s felt  
.  
So  
Nauseous   
.  
So   
Tired  
.  
(And  
Almost  
Three  
Weeks  
Late)  
.  
(She’s  
Never  
Been  
Late)  
.  
But  
She   
Tells herself  
A few bites  
So   
Will stops  
Looking at her  
Like  
She’s   
Two seconds away  
From  
Throwing herself  
Into   
The Cumberland River  
.  
Winterville  
Nashfest  
.  
He sees  
The look  
That must be  
On her face  
And   
She sees  
The worry  
On his:  
“You   
Okay?”  
.  
She makes  
Her throat  
Unstick:  
“Yeah  
Fine.”  
.  
He doesn’t  
Look like  
He believes  
Her  
But  
She doesn’t   
Want   
To tell him  
What  
She’s   
Thinking –   
.  
Joni Mitchell  
Old dreams  
Songs that mattered  
Sharing a cab  
Second chances  
.  
Hands  
At her   
Braid:  
“Nice  
Pigtails.”  
Smirking  
And they  
Had sex  
Twice  
On top  
Of the  
Covers   
Of his  
Bed  
.  
“Write down   
All the  
Bad  
Put it  
In a   
Book  
And   
Read it  
Every day  
Like a   
Good girl  
Should”  
.  
That  
Night  
.  
Their   
First  
Kiss  
.  
Their   
First  
Time  
.  
Their  
First  
Everything  
.  
Will  
Is calling  
Her name  
Like   
He’s been  
Trying  
To get  
Her   
Attention  
For   
A while:  
“What’s   
Wrong?”  
.  
She makes  
Herself  
Take a bite  
Of  
Her food  
.  
It slides  
Down   
Her throat  
And  
Lodges  
In the pit  
Of her  
Stomach  
Where   
She swears  
She can  
Feel it  
Flip-flopping  
Already  
Preparing   
To come   
Back up:  
“Nothing  
What was that  
About   
Winterville  
Nashfest?”  
.  
She   
Almost  
Chokes  
On   
The   
Words  
.  
Will  
Is  
Watching her  
With that  
Look  
In his eyes  
The one  
That lines  
His face  
With worry:  
“It’s just  
I heard  
Markus Keen   
Is playing  
The mainstage  
And  
Rayna’s girls  
Are doing  
A set  
Too.  
I wondered  
If she   
Had you  
On the bill.”  
.  
She shakes   
Her head  
So hard  
Her ponytail  
Smacks  
Her cheek:  
“No  
Rayna  
Didn’t   
Ask  
Me  
To play.”  
.  
She tries  
To busy  
Herself  
Wiping   
Grease  
Off her hands:  
“Do you know  
What day  
It is?  
The   
Festival?”  
.  
Will nods:  
“Yeah.  
December fifth  
The Saturday  
After  
Thanksgiving.”  
.  
Only  
Two  
Weeks  
Away  
.  
After  
A while  
Will notices  
She set  
Her dinner  
Down  
And   
Hasn’t   
Taken  
Another  
Bite:  
“You done?  
You barely touched  
Your food.”  
.  
She’s glad  
She’s sitting  
Right now  
She doesn’t  
Trust  
Her legs  
For  
Support:  
“Yeah  
I’m   
Not   
Hungry  
Anymore.”

 

 

VI.

The letter  
Is in  
Her  
Sweating  
Shaking  
Hands  
.  
She couldn’t  
Do it  
When   
She found  
The envelope  
.  
But   
Now  
.  
She  
Needs  
To  
Know   
.  
It seems  
To take  
All  
Night  
To open  
The envelope  
And  
Pull out  
A small white card  
.  
(!!!!!!suicidenotesuicidenotesuicidenote!!!!!)  
.  
And  
Something   
Else  
.  
Something  
Small  
And   
Metal   
.  
A  
Key  
.  
She turns  
It over  
In her palm  
Stares  
At the ridges  
Holds  
The small chain  
It’s looped around  
.  
He  
Gave  
Her  
The  
Key  
To  
His  
House  
.  
The  
Letter  
Is still  
Clenched  
In her   
Fist  
.  
Her fingers  
Feel like  
They’ll break  
As  
She opens  
Them  
.  
One  
By   
One   
.  
"For the future"  
.  
That’s  
It  
.  
That’s  
All  
It  
Says  
.  
Three  
Words  
Written  
In  
His   
Scrawl  
.  
(She’d  
Forgotten  
The   
Way  
He   
Shaped  
His   
Letters)  
.  
(Forgotten  
The  
Way  
His  
Writing  
Swooped  
And   
Swirled)  
.  
She’s  
On the   
Ground  
.  
The card  
Crumpled  
.  
The metal  
Of the  
Key  
Warm  
In her  
Shaking   
Hand  
.  
Was this  
A part  
Of some  
Plan?  
.  
Did he   
Know  
His family  
Would  
Shut her   
Out?  
.  
Was this  
His way  
Of   
Giving her  
A way  
In?  
.  
Or  
Was  
This  
Something  
Else?  
.  
She sits  
On the   
Floor  
Clutching  
The note  
And  
The key  
Until  
The words  
Melt   
Off the page  
And  
The metal  
Is   
Too slick  
To hold  
.  
She didn’t  
Realize  
How strongly  
She believed  
This note  
Would  
Give her  
The answers  
.  
Instead  
It just   
Gave her  
More  
Questions  
And  
Disappointment  
Strong as  
Gravity.


	6. Chapter 6

I.

The house  
Has  
A  
Padlock  
On   
The   
Front  
Door  
And  
A  
For Sale  
Sign  
In the   
Yard  
.  
She  
Stares  
At the   
Lock  
For so   
Long  
Letting   
The disappointment  
Harden  
In her  
Throat   
Like  
Cement   
.  
Why   
Leave her  
A key  
She can’t   
Use  
To a   
House  
She can’t  
Get into?  
.  
It’s  
Almost  
Too cruel  
To get  
So close  
And   
Lose   
The  
Last  
Chance  
.  
(Maybe  
She  
Ought to  
Have  
Expected  
That)  
.  
Then  
.  
She  
Remembers  
.  
The kitchen  
.  
The  
Side  
Door  
.  
She   
Races  
Around  
The  
House  
.  
It’s  
Not  
Padlocked   
.  
With  
Fumbling hands  
She slips  
They key  
Into the lock  
And  
Turns   
.  
It   
Opens  
.  
For   
A  
Moment  
She just  
Stands there  
Unable  
To  
Believe  
It  
.  
His family  
Kept her  
Out  
.  
But  
He  
Gave  
Her  
A  
Way  
In.

 

 

II.

It’s  
Empty  
.  
His family  
Must have  
Gotten rid of  
Everything  
.  
His computer  
His clothes  
His golf clubs  
.  
The  
House  
Looks  
So  
Much  
Smaller  
.  
It’s   
Exactly  
The opposite  
Of how  
She figured  
It would  
Look  
Without   
Couches  
Tables  
Decorations  
.  
Everything  
That made it  
Jeff’s  
.  
This  
Could  
Be   
Anybody’s   
House  
.  
Not  
The place  
She spent  
Her nights  
And days  
.  
Not  
The place  
She nearly  
Died   
.  
Not   
The place  
She would  
Have called  
Home   
.  
She walks  
From  
Room  
To  
Room  
Taking in  
The emptiness  
The smallness  
The anonymity  
.  
When she   
Steps onto  
His office  
She just  
Stares   
From the   
Doorway  
Unable to   
Enter   
.  
Her heart  
Catches  
In her throat  
When she sees  
The damage  
.  
The room  
Stripped   
Of his   
Desk   
Computer  
File cabinets   
Books  
Golf clubs  
Framed diplomas  
.  
She can see  
The spaces  
They left  
Behind  
On the wall  
The places  
Where the   
Paint  
Didn’t fade  
.  
Her eyes  
Scan   
The empty   
Bookshelves   
Trying   
To remember  
Where each   
Book  
Had been   
.  
She   
Nearly   
Breaks down  
When   
She realizes  
She can  
Only  
Remember  
One –  
.  
The Sun Also Rises  
.  
The one  
He chose   
For her  
Off the shelf  
And   
Told her  
To read  
On the   
Treadmill  
.  
The same day  
She bashed  
His windshield  
And   
Headlights  
.  
The same day  
She learned  
He lied  
About   
That tweet   
From  
Jade’s party  
.  
The same day  
He said  
He couldn’t   
Lose her  
.  
She stares  
At the   
Empty spaces  
Left behind  
And  
Tries to  
Picture  
Everything  
Just like   
It was  
.  
She   
Tries  
.  
But   
.  
She   
Can’t   
.  
She   
Can’t   
Remember  
.  
Nothing  
Has been  
Left  
Untouched  
.  
Nothing  
Is  
The  
Same.

 

 

III.

She sits  
On the  
Bottom step  
Of the  
Staircase  
For  
A long time  
Looking   
At the  
Gaping doorways  
To  
Empty rooms   
And   
Trying to   
Remember  
.  
When she can  
Look up  
And   
Not weep  
At the  
Bare floors  
Naked walls  
And   
Complete   
Deathless  
Silence  
She stands  
And   
Climbs the steps  
.  
Another  
Another  
Another  
.  
Her feet are  
Unsteady  
As she  
Clutches   
The railing  
With   
Slippery palms  
Palms slippery  
Not trusting  
Herself  
To let go.

 

 

IV.

She’s  
Here  
.  
The hallway  
She stumbled down  
Looking for Will  
Not knowing   
What she’d find  
.  
Now   
She stumbles down  
Looking for no one   
Still  
Not knowing  
What she’ll find   
.  
She opens  
The first door  
She finds:  
The guest room  
She found him  
With that woman  
And   
Her heart  
Crashed  
To a   
Stop  
.  
Now   
It’s just  
A room  
.  
Four walls  
And  
A roof   
.  
This time  
Instead of   
Stopping  
Her heart   
Hammers  
Like a   
Freight train   
.  
She keeps   
Walking  
Until   
She’s looked  
Inside   
Every room  
But   
One.

 

 

V.

This  
Has  
To  
Be  
Some   
Mistake  
.  
This can’t be  
The place  
They spent  
Their last night  
Side by side  
In the  
Same bed  
.  
It’s   
Too  
Small  
.  
Too small  
To hold the memories  
Too small  
To hold the ghosts  
Too small  
To hold the happiness  
.  
Too small  
To hold them  
Without   
The walls  
Bursting  
Like seams   
.  
But  
She sees  
The dents  
In the   
Carpet  
Marking   
The space  
Where  
The bed   
Used to   
Be   
.  
Then   
.  
She  
Can’t  
Stay  
Standing  
.  
She crawls  
To the square  
Made by   
The dents  
The bedposts  
Etched   
In the floor  
And   
Sits   
In the center  
Arms wrapped  
Around  
Her knees  
.  
All she wanted  
When he   
Died  
Was the chance  
To   
Come back  
Here  
.  
To have  
Something   
Of his   
.  
To see  
The place  
One last time  
.  
To walk  
In the spaces  
He’d been  
.  
To remember  
Everything  
Good and bad  
.  
To imagine  
The life  
They should have had   
.  
To   
Say  
Goodbye  
.  
When she   
Couldn’t  
It was like  
He’d died  
Twice   
.  
She thought  
Coming back  
To this house  
Could  
Bring her  
Closure  
Or  
Acceptance  
Or  
Comfort  
.  
Maybe  
Even  
Answers  
.  
Now  
.  
She  
Feels  
Nothing   
.  
Except  
The silence  
.  
Pressing in   
Entombing her  
Inside   
The shell  
Of the   
Only place  
She could  
Once call  
Theirs.

 

 

VI.

It’s getting   
Dark   
By the time  
She   
Finally   
Leaves  
Jeff’s house  
.  
She sat there  
In the space  
Where the  
Bed  
Used to be  
Until  
Light  
Became  
Shadow  
And   
Day  
Turned to  
Dusk   
.  
Then  
She stood up  
Walked   
Out of the room  
Walked  
Down the stairs  
Walked  
Past the office  
Walked  
Through the kitchen  
Walked  
Right out the door  
.  
Except  
To put   
The key  
In the door  
And   
Lock up  
Behind her  
She   
Never  
Once  
Looked  
Back  
.  
When she  
Gets home  
She sits  
In her car  
In the   
Driveway  
Until  
The sun  
Goes  
Down  
.  
For some reason  
She’s panting  
And  
Covered in sweat  
Gasping for air  
Like she   
Just ran  
A marathon  
.  
Her hand  
Aches  
.  
And  
When she   
Opens   
Her clenched fist  
She realizes   
She’s still  
Clutching   
Jeff’s house key  
.  
The jagged metal  
Is  
Indented  
Into the skin  
Looking   
As permanent  
As a tattoo


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Final chapter. Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. You’re all lovely. Happy New Year =)

I.

Time  
Passes  
.  
Hours  
Then  
Days  
Then  
Weeks  
.  
And  
She learns  
The pain  
Isn’t  
Right on  
The surface  
Anymore

It’s  
Under  
Her  
Skin  
.  
Inside  
Her  
Bones  
.  
In  
Her  
Nightmares  
.  
Part  
Of  
Her  
Bloodstream  
.  
It’s not  
As sharp  
Or raw  
As it  
Once  
Was  
.  
But  
It has  
Sunk in  
.  
And  
She can’t  
Change  
That  
.  
Anymore  
Than  
She can  
Change  
The  
Weather  
.  
Which  
Is turning  
Colder  
Darker  
And  
Greyer  
Every day  
.  
December  
Is getting  
Closer  
.  
Everywhere  
She goes  
There are  
Lights  
Music  
Bells  
Smiles  
.  
Long lines  
Crowded parking lots  
Too much traffic  
.  
It’s not  
Even  
Thanksgiving  
Yet  
But  
The holidays  
Are already  
In full swing  
.  
She imagines  
She’ll spend  
Thanksgiving  
Christmas  
New Year’s  
Under the covers  
Or  
On the couch  
.  
Or maybe  
With her head  
In the oven  
With the gas  
Turned up  
High  
.  
(Just kidding)  
.  
(She’d rather  
Shove it  
In the  
Fireplace)

 

 

II.

Yesterday  
She sent  
Two  
New demos  
To Rayna  
.  
She  
Called  
Today  
To talk  
To Layla  
About  
Them:  
_“Beautiful  
Music  
Sweetheart  
This is  
Some  
Of  
Your best  
Work.  
Real  
Personal  
And gritty  
A lot of  
Feeling.  
Some of it  
Is just  
Heartbreaking.”_  
.  
It took  
A minute  
For  
Layla’s throat  
To unstick:  
_“Yeah  
Thanks.”_  
.  
Her album  
Is being  
Released  
Soon  
.  
Highway 65  
Put it  
On the  
Calendar  
For early  
Next year  
.  
They’re aiming  
For  
A release date  
Towards  
The middle  
Of  
March  
.  
She has  
Some  
Finishing touches  
To make  
But  
It’s almost  
Complete  
.  
Pretty soon  
She’ll be  
Back  
In the  
Studio  
Working on  
Album #2  
.  
Right now  
She throws  
All her  
Concentration  
Into  
New material  
.  
She  
Can’t  
Think  
About  
What will  
Happen  
When  
Release Day  
Arrives  
.  
She  
Used to  
Look forward  
To it  
Like  
A seven-year-old  
Looks forward  
To  
Christmas Day  
.  
Now  
Her stomach  
Churns  
Whenever  
She thinks  
Of how  
She’ll get  
Through it  
Alone  
.  
He  
Should  
Be  
Here  
.  
He  
Was  
Supposed  
To  
Be  
Here  
.  
But  
He  
Isn’t  
Going  
To see  
Any of it  
.  
What he  
Believed in  
When  
No one else  
Did  
.  
What he  
Worked  
So hard for  
When  
No one else  
Would  
.  
What he  
Pushed  
Out of her  
When  
No one else  
Tried  
.  
What he  
Knew  
She was  
Capable of  
After  
Everyone  
In this city  
Had already  
Written her off  
As  
A reality show reject  
A tabloid headline  
A laughingstock  
A failure  
.  
Used up  
Discarded  
Worthless  
Broken  
.  
She was  
All of that  
And  
More  
.  
Until  
Jeff  
Believed  
.  
He  
Should  
Be  
Here  
.  
This album  
Is as much  
His  
As it is  
Hers  
.  
It will  
Feel  
So wrong  
To celebrate  
Without  
Jeff  
.  
She doesn’t  
Know  
How  
She’s going  
To make it  
Through that day  
Knowing  
He’s left  
An empty space  
In a moment  
They  
Should have  
Shared  
.  
She doesn’t  
Know  
How  
She’s going  
To make room  
For the rest  
Of her life  
With this  
Taking up  
So  
Much  
Space  
.  
It aches  
Every time  
It aches.

 

 

III.

She spent  
All last year  
Losing  
.  
Her marriage  
Her trust  
Her happiness  
Her dignity  
Her career  
.  
And now  
She’s lost  
This  
As well  
.  
Three minutes  
Tick tick tick  
And  
Then  
.  
There’s  
Nothing  
.  
The single line  
Points  
To the  
Truth  
.  
Hers  
Is  
The only  
Heartbeat  
Under  
Her skin  
.  
She’s hunched  
On the  
Bathroom floor  
Holding  
The proof  
.  
Tears  
Course down  
Her cheeks  
As she stares  
At the  
Minus sign  
.  
She feels  
Like  
Throwing up  
Again  
.  
Whether  
It’s from  
Relief  
Or  
Despair  
She can’t  
Tell  
.  
A part  
Of her  
Feels like  
She’s lost  
Jeff  
All over  
Again  
.  
That test  
Was  
The last hope  
For  
Her  
.  
That  
He really  
Had left  
Something  
Behind  
.  
That  
She hadn’t  
Been erased  
From his  
World  
.  
That  
She had  
A part  
Of him  
To hold onto  
.  
That  
He wasn’t  
Completely  
Gone  
.  
It’s  
A kind of  
Loneliness  
She’s  
Never  
Felt  
Before  
.  
Even  
After  
Weeks  
Of  
Being  
All  
Alone.

 

 

IV.

There are  
Worse things  
She can do  
Than  
Run  
On wobbly legs  
While the sky  
Looks ready  
To break  
.  
But  
She’s restless  
And rattled  
.  
There’s  
An itch  
Under her skin  
That won’t  
Go away  
Unless  
She runs  
Over miles  
And miles  
Of asphalt  
Without  
Stopping  
.  
So  
She laces up  
Her shoes  
And  
Heads out  
.  
Ignoring  
The muggy haze  
In the air  
And  
The stagnant wind  
That says  
More rain  
Is  
Coming  
.  
This morning  
Smells like  
Sick-sweet decay  
And  
Earthworms  
As she jogs  
Down the street  
.  
It feels like  
The world  
Is holding  
Its breath  
.  
Like  
It has  
Never  
Seen  
The sun  
Before  
.  
Faster  
Faster  
.  
She has  
To keep  
Going  
.  
If she  
Stops  
She’ll  
Never  
Get  
Momentum  
Back  
.  
Then  
The entire run  
Will be  
A waste  
.  
Faster  
Faster  
.  
She has  
To keep  
Going  
.  
Will  
Told her:  
_“You need  
To keep  
Going.  
You have to.  
It’s the  
Only way  
You’ll make it  
Through  
This.”_  
.  
(Again  
With the  
Euphemisms)  
.  
(He couldn’t  
Just say:  
_“Your boyfriend  
Killed himself  
But  
You’re  
Still alive  
And  
You need to  
Remember  
That.”_ )  
.  
(As if  
She could  
Ever  
Forget  
She’s here  
And  
He’s not)  
.  
(As if  
She could  
Forget  
He left her  
Alone)  
.  
Humidity  
Circles the air  
Choking her  
With the stench  
Of rot  
As  
Her feet  
Slap the asphalt  
As  
Her arms  
Pump at her sides  
As  
Her breath  
Becomes ragged  
As  
Her legs  
Push her farther  
.  
Faster  
Faster  
.  
Above her  
The waiting skies  
Are  
Impatient  
To release  
Something  
Wild  
Frantic  
And  
Pointlessly  
Destructive  
.  
But  
Right now  
The city  
Is divided  
Between  
Something  
Ferocious  
And  
Something  
Still  
.  
In between  
Rage  
And  
Recovery.

 

 

V.

Will  
Is staring  
At the  
Stovetop  
His face  
Wary:  
_“You can’t  
Convince me  
That’s  
Anything  
Resembling  
A burger.”_  
.  
She  
Brandishes  
Her spatula  
At him  
.  
It drips  
With  
Hot oil:  
_“They’re  
Called  
Veggie burgers.”_  
.  
Will  
Shakes his head:  
_“Vegetables  
That look like  
Meat  
Have  
No business  
Calling themselves  
Burgers.  
They  
Aren’t  
Even  
Burgers.  
They’re  
Tofu  
Hipster  
Crunchy  
Granola  
Garden  
Shit  
And  
The only people  
Who eat them  
Are  
Dudes in Birkenstocks  
And  
Girls who don’t shave.”_  
.  
She laughs:  
_“Spoken  
Like a  
True  
Country boy.”_  
.  
Will grins  
And  
Layla can tell  
He’s happy  
To be  
Messing with her  
.  
Even happier  
To see her  
Eating  
.  
This is  
The first  
Real food  
She’s eaten  
In a long time  
.  
Definitely  
The first time  
She’s cooked  
Since  
Atlanta  
.  
Heating  
A frozen  
Garden patty  
On the stove  
Isn’t  
Exactly  
Gourmet  
.  
But  
It’s  
Something  
.  
Her  
Hip bones  
Have been  
Sticking out  
For a while  
.  
This morning  
She undressed  
To  
Take a shower  
And  
Caught  
A glimpse  
Of  
Her reflection  
In the  
Mirror  
.  
She’d  
Avoided  
Looking in mirrors  
For  
A while  
But  
This time  
When  
She saw  
Her naked image  
She couldn’t help  
Staring  
.  
Since  
Atlanta  
She’s become  
Skin and bones  
.  
The person  
In  
The mirror  
Looked  
Nothing like  
The  
Layla Grant  
Anyone  
Would  
Recognize  
.  
Her body  
Looked  
Starved  
Ravaged  
Exhausted  
.  
She looked like  
She survived  
A catastrophe  
.  
Layla  
Hadn’t  
Planned  
To get up  
Today  
.  
But  
Seeing  
Herself  
In the  
Mirror  
Suddenly  
Made her  
Want  
A hot bath  
Clean underwear  
Something  
In her  
Stomach  
.  
She made it  
To the tub  
Slipped on  
A clean shirt  
.  
Almost  
Threw  
Her sheets  
Into the  
Wash  
.  
But  
She  
Couldn’t  
.  
(They  
Still  
Haven’t  
Been  
Washed  
Since  
Atlanta)  
.  
Will  
Keeps talking:  
_“You know what  
P.E.T.A.  
Stands for  
In Texas?”_  
.  
He looks  
At her  
And grins:  
_"People  
Eatin’  
Tasty  
Animals.”_  
.  
She smacks  
Him  
In the  
Shoulder  
And  
Laughs  
.  
It sounds  
Weak  
To her ears  
But  
For the  
First time  
In weeks  
It doesn’t  
Sound  
Forced. 

 

 

VI.

Yesterday  
She was  
In the studio  
Cutting  
A new song  
And  
Rayna said  
Layla’s invitation  
To spend  
Thanksgiving dinner  
At her house  
With  
Her family  
Was still  
Open:  
_“You  
Are more  
Than  
Welcome.  
We  
Would  
Love  
To have  
You.”_  
.  
Layla replied:  
_“For  
Dinner?”_  
.  
Rayna nodded:  
_“Yes  
For  
Dinner.”_  
.  
It took them  
Both  
A minute  
To realize  
Layla  
Had made  
A  
Joke.

 

 

VII.

The more  
She thinks  
About  
That  
Test  
.  
The more  
Grateful  
She is  
It came back  
Negative  
.  
It may  
Have been  
A piece  
Of him  
She could  
Hold onto  
.  
But  
She’d always  
See  
His face  
In  
Someone else  
And  
Wonder  
.  
If things  
Had been  
Different  
And  
She’d known  
Before  
Atlanta  
Would he  
Have  
Stayed?  
.  
What if  
He didn’t?  
.  
Would he  
Even want  
That future  
With her?  
.  
Would he  
Be happy?  
.  
Would he  
Walk away?  
.  
Would he  
Love it?  
.  
Would he  
Want  
To be  
A family?  
.  
She’s glad  
She doesn’t  
Have to carry  
The burden  
Of  
Explaining  
Atlanta  
To someone else  
.  
She  
Will  
Never  
Be  
Able  
To  
Explain  
It  
.  
She would  
Dread  
That  
Conversation  
From the  
Moment  
It was born  
.  
Holding  
Him  
Or  
Her  
For the  
First time  
And  
Knowing  
One day  
They would  
Learn  
What she had  
The  
Hardest  
Way  
Possible:  
.  
Love  
Isn’t  
Enough  
To  
Save  
You  
Or  
Anybody  
Else.

 

 

VIII.

New  
Morning  
.  
The ground  
Freezes  
And  
Her breath  
Bursts  
In white clouds  
And  
The cold  
Presses into  
Her ribs  
Like a knife  
.  
First  
Day  
Below  
Freezing  
.  
The floor  
Is like  
Ice  
Under her feet  
.  
The windows  
Are speckled  
With frost  
.  
The sun  
Is so  
Bright  
It  
Looks like  
Someone  
Set the sky  
On fire  
.  
She glides  
One finger  
Along  
The rime  
Of  
Frost  
On the inside  
Of  
Her window  
.  
Traces  
A star  
In the glass  
.  
Like she did  
When  
She was  
A little girl  
.  
The yard  
Glitters  
With  
Frost  
.  
The  
Treetops  
Shiver  
As  
The last  
Autumn leaves  
Plummet  
From  
The glass branches  
To  
The hard ground  
Below  
.  
The world  
Is  
So bright  
It looks  
Almost  
Reborn  
.  
Almost  
New  
.  
She  
Erases  
Her star  
With  
The palm  
Of  
Her hand  
.  
While  
The morning  
Burns  
Through  
Her windows  
The sheets  
Come off  
Her bed  
.  
She tugs  
Them  
Off  
Until  
It’s just  
The mattress  
Sitting in its frame  
.  
Naked  
Empty  
Anonymous  
.  
Like  
Jeff’s  
House  
.  
There isn’t  
Any sign  
He had  
Ever  
Been here  
With her  
.  
She takes  
The sheets  
To the  
Laundry room  
.  
Pours  
The detergent  
Sets  
The cycle  
Closes  
The lid  
Presses  
The button  
.  
Then  
She sits  
On the floor  
Against the machine  
And  
Cries  
.  
When its  
Over  
She grabs  
Her phone  
And  
Asks Will  
If the invite  
For  
Thanksgiving  
At his house  
Is still  
Good. 

 

 

IX.

The weatherman  
Says  
Tonight  
Is going  
To drop  
Below  
Freezing  
.  
Everyone  
Should  
Stay inside  
And  
Bundle up  
.  
Last winter  
Was  
Harsh  
And  
Long  
.  
Maybe  
This one  
Will be  
Just as bad  
.  
Cold  
Grey  
Lonely  
Brutal  
.  
Around her neck  
Jeff’s key  
Is hanging  
From a  
Chain  
.  
She holds it  
Between  
Her fingers  
.  
It’s warm  
From being  
Pressed  
Against her skin  
.  
Was this  
Supposed  
To be  
The goodbye  
He never  
Said?  
.  
Was it  
A goodbye  
At all?  
.  
Her fingers  
Find  
The key  
Again  
Fastened  
Around her neck  
.  
His note  
Said  
_“For the future”_  
.  
They  
Were  
Making  
Plans  
Together  
.  
She startles  
Out of  
Her memories  
When  
Will  
Pokes his  
Head  
In the  
Doorway:  
_“Pizza’s  
Here.”_  
.  
She turns off  
The television:  
_“Be there  
In a second  
There’s  
A phone call  
I have  
To make.”_  
.  
She grabs  
Her cell  
Runs  
To the  
Bathroom  
Locks  
The door  
Behind her  
Sits  
On the  
Closed toiled lid  
And  
Scrolls  
Through MISSED CALLS  
Until  
She finds  
The familiar  
Area code.

 

 

X.

 _“Hello?”_  
.  
Layla  
Takes  
A deep  
Breath  
When  
She hears  
That familiar voice:  
_“Jade?”_  
.  
A  
L-O-N-G  
Pause  
.  
Then  
The pop star  
Replies  
With  
A cool tone  
Halfway  
Across the world:  
.  
_“I  
Didn’t  
Expect  
To  
Ever  
Hear  
From  
You  
Again.  
After  
You  
Never  
Returned  
My fifth call  
I figured  
You  
Fell  
Off  
The  
Face  
Of  
The  
Earth.”_  
.  
A heartbeat  
Later  
They both  
Realize  
What Jade  
Just  
Said  
.  
_“Shit  
I didn’t  
Mean it  
Like that –”_  
.  
Layla clears  
Her throat:  
_“It’s okay.”_  
.  
And  
Really  
It is  
.  
There’s  
Silence  
From Jade  
So  
Layla talks:  
.  
_“I’m sorry  
I never called.”_  
.  
There’s  
A pang  
In her chest  
When  
She says  
That:  
.  
_“I felt  
Like  
I was  
Going  
Crazy  
For  
A while  
I  
Was  
So  
Lost  
I  
Didn’t  
Know  
What  
To  
Do  
I still  
Don’t  
But  
I’m  
Sorry  
I  
Never  
Called you  
Back  
I know  
You and Jeff  
Cared about  
Each other  
Once  
And  
I know  
How hard  
It is  
To even  
Imagine  
This is  
Real.”_  
.  
Now  
Layla’s crying  
Tears  
Strangling  
Her words  
As the phone  
Slips off  
Her wet cheek  
.  
Still  
Silence  
From  
Jade  
So  
Layla  
Plows on:  
.  
_“I’m still  
So  
Lost  
And  
I still  
Can’t  
Believe  
This is  
Real.  
I loved him  
And he –”_  
.  
The voice  
On the  
Other end  
Of the line  
Breaks through  
Her tears  
As  
Jade murmurs:  
_“Sweetheart  
I’m not  
Mad.  
Forget  
Those voicemails.  
I wanted  
To hear  
From you  
Because  
I was  
Worried.  
I know  
Jeff felt  
Something  
Real  
For you.  
I could  
Tell  
The moment  
He came  
To see me  
And gave me  
Your demo.  
He was  
Passionate  
About you  
And your  
Music  
In a  
Way  
I hadn’t  
Seen.  
Not since  
He was  
My manager.  
Jeff  
Could be  
A lot  
Of things  
But  
Passionate  
Was  
At the top  
Of his  
List.  
And  
He was  
Passionate  
About  
You.  
You  
Were  
Important  
To  
Him.  
And  
He  
Was  
The same  
For  
You.”_  
.  
Layla is  
Still  
Crying  
Too hard  
To speak  
So  
She just nods  
Into the phone  
Like Jade  
Can hear  
The movement  
Across  
The continent:  
.  
_“When he  
Died  
I felt  
Like  
I couldn’t  
Even  
Mourn  
Him.  
His family  
Completely  
Shut me out.”_  
.  
_“Me  
Too,”_  
Jade replies  
And Layla  
Thinks  
She hears  
A tearful hiccup  
In the  
Superstar’s  
Voice:  
_“I called  
His family  
A hundred times.  
I had  
My assistants  
Try  
To figure out  
When  
They scheduled  
The funeral.  
Even  
Had my  
Manager  
And  
Some  
Bigshots  
At my  
Record label  
Call them  
To get  
Any  
Details.  
But  
They  
Never  
Called  
Me  
Back.  
I remember  
I cried  
That whole day.  
My manager  
Was  
Annoyed  
Because  
I had  
A show  
That night  
And  
I wanted  
To cancel.  
That would  
Have been  
First time  
In my  
Whole career  
I would have  
Cancelled  
A show.  
I ended up  
Going onstage  
But  
I had  
A huge  
Blow-out  
With  
The label execs  
Over it  
Beforehand.” _  
.  
Layla jackknifes  
Into  
Herself  
Phone still  
Clamped  
To her  
Cheek:  
.  
_“I  
Never  
Got  
To  
Say  
Goodbye.”_  
.  
She  
Says  
That  
More to  
Herself  
Than to  
Jade  
.  
It hurts  
So much  
To  
Finally  
Say it  
Out loud  
.  
Her chest  
Feels  
Hollow  
When the  
Air  
And the  
Words  
Leave her  
Body  
.  
But  
It also  
Feels like  
Someone  
Just took  
An anvil  
Off her  
Back.__

__

__

__XI._ _

__Will  
Can tell  
She’s been  
Crying  
As soon as  
He sees  
Her face  
.  
She asks him  
Without preamble:  
_“How long  
Did you  
Know  
You wanted  
To die?”_  
.  
His face  
Goes  
White  
.  
He looks  
So surprised  
He doesn’t  
Try  
To evade  
An answer:  
_“I don’t know.”_  
.  
She shakes  
Her head:  
_“Can you  
At least  
Give me  
A hint?  
Some number?  
Did you  
Feel  
This way  
For  
Years  
Or was it  
Like  
A switch  
In your  
Brain  
Got flipped?”_  
.  
Will just  
Shakes his head:  
_“I really  
Don’t know.  
I know  
I felt  
Bad  
For years.  
I know  
The reasons  
I tried  
To –”_  
.  
(He can’t  
Say  
The Word.)  
.  
(Nobody  
Says  
The Word.)  
.  
_“When I  
Felt  
That way  
It was  
Because  
Everything  
I was  
Dealing with  
Hit me  
All at once.”_  
.  
She asks:  
_“So  
It was  
A  
Split-second  
Choice?”_  
.  
Will replies:  
_“No –  
I mean  
Kind of.  
Yes.  
I made  
The choice  
To die  
That night.  
I didn’t  
Spend  
The entire day  
Knowing  
I would try  
To  
Hurt myself.  
I didn’t  
Spend  
The whole week  
Planning out  
How I’d do it.”_  
.  
Layla’s arms  
Are covered  
In goosebumps  
.  
She looks  
At  
Will:  
_“Then  
Why’d  
You  
Do  
It?”_  
.  
He doesn’t answer  
Just crosses  
His arms  
And  
Stares  
At the floor  
.  
She leans  
Against  
The kitchen wall  
Thinking  
Maybe  
She went  
Too far:  
_“I’m sorry  
You don’t  
Have to  
Answer  
That.”_  
.  
He looks up  
At her:  
_“No  
I will.”_  
.  
He takes  
A deep breath:  
_“Because  
I hated  
Myself  
So much  
I thought  
It was  
The  
Only  
Way  
To  
Stop  
Hurting.  
I hated  
Myself  
And  
Thought  
If everyone else  
Could see  
Me  
At that moment  
They’d know  
How  
Fucked-up  
I was.  
How disgusting  
I felt.  
Living  
Hurt  
Too much  
So  
Dying  
Was  
The only way  
To  
Make it  
Stop.”_  
.  
He’s watching  
Her  
Carefully:  
_“Most of all  
I wanted  
To be  
At peace.  
And  
I thought  
I could  
Never  
Do that  
If I  
Stayed  
Alive.”__ _

__For a  
Moment  
All they  
Can do  
Is  
Stare  
At each other  
.  
Will’s voice  
Is so  
Soft  
She can  
Barely  
Hear it:  
_“Was that  
How it was  
For you?  
I never  
Asked.”_  
.  
Layla  
Thinks about it  
Then  
Shakes her head:  
_“No.  
I felt bad  
Way before  
I caught you  
With  
That woman  
But  
I didn’t think  
About dying  
As much as  
I thought  
About  
Being dead.  
I didn’t  
Make a plan  
Or  
Write a note  
Or  
Look up ways  
I could do it  
But  
I would think  
All the time  
How much  
I wanted  
To just  
Go to sleep  
And  
Never wake up.  
Or  
I’d be driving  
And wish  
Some huge truck  
Would  
Run me over  
And that  
Would be it.  
Because  
I was  
Tired.  
All the  
Bullshit  
Was  
Too much  
And  
Things felt  
So bad  
And  
There was  
No way  
To fix it.  
Then  
I saw you  
In bed  
With that woman.  
Jeff rejected me  
And  
You didn’t love me  
And  
Seeing you  
With her  
Made  
All those feelings  
Too strong.  
So  
I took  
The pills.”_  
.  
Will  
Is nodding  
Along  
With her  
Words:  
_“It hit you  
All at once.  
Like a train.  
And it  
Damn near  
Tore you  
In half.”_  
.  
She has  
To hold  
Her breath  
For a  
Moment  
Then  
Let it out  
Slowly  
So her heart  
Can stop  
Racing:  
_“Yeah.  
It hit me  
All at once.”_  
.  
Silence  
.  
Then  
She whispers:  
.  
_“Why  
Did  
He  
Do  
It?”_  
.  
Will  
Has never  
Looked  
Younger  
Than he does  
Right now:  
_“I  
Don’t  
Know,  
Layla.”_  
.  
And  
She feels  
A deep  
Cutting  
Sense of  
Loss  
.  
It’s  
Different  
From what  
She felt  
When  
The detectives  
Came to  
Her hotel room  
Or when  
Kate banished her  
From the hotel  
Or when  
She called Rayna  
And said  
The words:  
_“Jeff’s dead”_  
For the first time  
Or when  
She cried  
On Luke’s shoulder  
Or when  
Will brought her  
Back home  
And  
She saw  
The moving boxes  
Or when  
The pregnancy test  
Came back negative  
.  
Right now  
She feels  
Farther  
Away  
From Jeff  
Than  
She ever has  
Before  
.  
She says:  
_“I’m  
Never  
Going  
To  
Know.  
And  
I  
Don’t  
Think  
I  
Can  
Live  
With  
That.  
It  
Hurts  
So  
Much  
And  
Every day  
It just  
Gets  
Worse.  
It’s  
Like  
A hole  
In me  
And  
It keeps  
Getting  
Bigger.  
I think  
It’s just  
Going to  
Swallow me  
Completely  
Because  
I can’t see  
A way  
Out.  
I don’t  
Think  
I’ll ever  
Stop  
Feeling  
This way.”_  
.  
Will  
Puts his arms  
Around her  
And  
Holds her tightly:  
_“Is there  
Anything  
I can do?”_  
.  
She closes  
Her eyes  
Breathing  
Him in:  
_“No.  
There’s  
Nothing  
Anybody  
Can do.  
It  
Just  
Hurts.”_  
.  
They stand  
That way  
Until  
The pizza  
Becomes cold  
And  
The sun fades  
To shadow._ _

__

__

__XII._ _

__She wonders  
If his  
Sister  
Misses him  
At all  
.  
She wonders  
If his  
Parents  
Have outlived  
Their son  
.  
She wonders  
If his  
Body  
Was buried  
Or cremated  
.  
She wonders  
If his  
Headstone  
Is like  
His house  
.  
Dark  
Empty  
Impersonal  
.  
Nothing  
Of him  
To mark  
His life  
Other than  
Dates  
Etched  
In stone  
.  
She wonders  
If his  
Message –  
_“For the future”_  
Was a promise  
Or a goodbye  
.  
She  
Wanted  
An answer  
So badly  
.  
She  
Wanted  
An explanation  
.  
She will  
Go  
The rest  
Of her  
Life  
Trying  
To find  
It  
.  
Every day  
Waking up  
To the  
Same  
Questions:  
.  
Why  
He left her  
.  
Why  
He didn’t talk  
To her  
.  
Why  
He felt like  
Nothing  
Could be fixed  
.  
Why  
He believed  
The rooftop  
Was  
The only solution  
.  
Why  
She got to live  
When he didn’t  
.  
Now  
There’s  
Another  
Question  
She  
Never  
Considered  
Before:  
.  
If he’s  
Found  
Peace  
.  
Maybe  
She will  
Someday  
.  
She  
Wonders  
.  
She  
Hopes._ _


End file.
